


All the Crack!

by DoomedKelpie



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Animal Death, Bees?, Crack, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Magic, Mpreg, Multi, Saucery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:02:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25519243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoomedKelpie/pseuds/DoomedKelpie
Summary: A collection of all of my Merlin crack stories.
Relationships: Hunith/Uther Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Kudos: 2





	1. I'm Taller Than You!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who is Taller?

Merlin stood, facing Arthur, only inches apart. The men stared at each other with piercing gazes for what felt like an eternity. Finally, Merlin decided to break the silence:  
“I’M TALLER THAN YOU!!!” he exclaimed.  
“What nonsense are you spouting now?” Arthur replied, annoyed.  
“I’m taller than you,” Merlin repeated.  
“Merlin, you’re only taller than me by an inch. That doesn’t count,” Argued Arthur.  
“Does too.”  
“Does not.”  
“Does too.”  
“Does not.”  
“Does too!”  
“Does not!”  
“DOES TOO!”  
“DOES NOT!”  
“DOES TOO!!!”  
“DOES NOT!!!”  
Suddenly, Gwen burst into the room. Somehow, she had grown to be 8 feet tall.  
“I’M TALLER THAN BOTH OF YOU, SO PLEASE SHUT UP WHEN PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!!!” she scolded loudly.  
Terrified, Arthur and Merlin ran away and hid in a closet.  
The End.


	2. An Arthurian Sonnet?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uther, unfortunately, marries Hunith.

Merlin couldn’t believe what his over-sized ears had just heard. His eyes were as wide as pizzas.  
“We’re getting married!” Uther declared as he drew Hunith closer to his side.  
As Merlin stood there in shock, the screen got kind of cloudy and he went into flashback mode.  
Hunith had arrived in Camelot to visit Merlin. As Merlin hugged her, Uther appeared nearby.  
“Dang, she look fiiiiiiiiiiiine. Oh, wait, didn’t I deny sending aid to her village or something?” Uther thought to himself. “Oh well, I’m the king, so who cares?”  
Later that day, he approached Hunith. 

“Oh, how beautiful you are, fair maiden!  
With your dark hair and happy, caring eyes.  
Surely, you are an angel from heaven!  
I want you more than my enemies’ cries.

Oh my, how radiant your features are!  
Oh please, won’t you forever just be mine?  
My love for you is more vast than the stars,  
And I can’t help but look at your behind.

Oh, fair Hunith, manservant’s mother dear,  
I love you more than any wine or ale.  
I want to be with you year after year!  
I know you are the summit of my tale!

So please, dear Hunith, won’t you be my love?  
Say yes, and we will soar, just like the doves,”  
Uther recited.  
Hunith stared at the king before answering.  
“That wasn’t very subtle, but okie dokie,” she answered.  
Uther then did a victory dance as Arthur giggled in the background because he had just heard his jerk-face father reciting a poem he wrote for a commoner. Merlin, who was standing nearby, was totally like HOOOOOOOOLYYYYYY COOOOOOOOOW!   
A few days later, Merlin went up to his mother when she was alone.  
“Hey, mum, this whole Uther thing is kinda a bad idea, don’t you think? Cuz, you know, me, your son, is a warlock and your boyfriend would totally kill me if he found out?” he explained.  
“Truuuuuuuuuuue, Merlin. True,” Hunith replied. “Don’t worry. I’ll talk to him.”  
Then, Hunith skipped away to find Uther. Around fifteen minutes later, Uther decided to have a big speech on his weird balcony thing. All the citizens within the city gathered around.  
“Okay, I have a big announcement today,” Uther started. “I decided magic isn’t evil, so THE BAN IS LIFTED! Yay! That is all.”  
With that, Uther went back inside, and there was much rejoicing.  
Throughout the next few days, Hunith and Uther got even more lovey-dovey. It was kinda inconvenient cuz they kept kissing in the council meetings, so nothing ever got done and everyone at the meeting felt super awkward.  
Thus, we are back at the present.   
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” Merlin exclaimed very loudly.  
“You couldn’t hear?” Uther questioned before taking out a megaphone (Even though those hadn’t been invented yet). “WE’RE GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  
“Congrats, Merlin, now you actually have a dad!” Arthur said with a jolly pat on the back.  
“Uther’s YOUR father, you twit. That would make us step-brothers,” Merlin explained.  
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??!?!?!?!?” Arthur exclaimed very loudly.  
“Why can’t anybody hear today?” Uther asked. “he said: THAT WOULD MAKE YOU STEP-BROTHERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’  
“So……,” Arthur said. “Does that mean if we continue to date, it’s incest?”  
“No clue,” Merlin replied.  
“Eh, who cares?” Uther told them.  
Suddenly, a bright light flashed down from the sky. When everyone’s eyes had stopped burning like they had been fried with potatoes for the past five hours, they saw a woman standing there. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN. IT WAS IGRAINE!  
“Holy cheesedoodle,” everyone said with varying levels of surprise.  
“Wassup, peeps?” Igraine greeted. “Just came to say: Congrats on your marriage! Also, Merlin is already pregnant, so incest or not, you two are stuck together! Yay! Grandkid!”  
Then she disappeared.  
“YOUR PREGNANT?!?!?!?!?” Arthur gasped.  
“I AM?!?!?!?!?” Merlin gasped just as loudly.  
“Cool,” said Uther. “I’m gonna teach it how to be just as awesome as me!”  
Then, Uther started doing his victory dance again. While everyone watched Uther, Merlin farted out the baby.   
“Oh, hey, Igraine was right,” Merlin stated.  
“Let’s name him Ivan Lovino Antonio Matthew Arthur Gilbert Pendragon,” Arthur declared.  
“Kay,” Merlin agreed.  
Ivan Lovino Antonio Matthew Arthur Gilbert Pendragon looked up at his parents. He opened his mouth and tried to talk:  
“EVERYBODY DO THE FLOP!!!!!!!” The child yelled.  
Everyone fell on their faces and went splat.  
The End :D


	3. Skunked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Wild Skunk Appears!

“MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!” Arthur screeched from his chambers.  
With a giggle ‘cuz Arthur’s scream was so high-pitched and shrill, Merlin skipped into the room. There, he saw Arthur standing on a chair trying to shoo a skunk away with a broom.  
“Where did you get a broom?” Merlin asked in shock.  
“THAT’S IS ABSOLUTELY IRRELEVANT!!!!!!!!” the king shrieked. “JUST HELP ME BEFORE THIS THING EATS ME!!!!!!!!”  
“You know, hitting it with a broom will just make it angry. Do you want it to spray you?” Merlin informed him.  
“YES, MERLIN, IT’S MY DREAM TO BE SPRAYED BY A SKUNK!!!” Arthur replied sarcastically.  
“Oh, okay then,” Merlin said as he left the room.  
Half an hour later, Arthur stormed into Gaius’s chambers. A horrible stench followed him.  
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!!!!!” Gaius exclaimed. “What in the holy crappin’ hell is that smell?”  
“I got skunked by a skunk because Merlin didn’t save me,” Arthur explained angrily.  
“Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh,” Gaius nodded. “Take a bath in tomato juice.”  
With that, Gaius nyoomed out the window, leaving Arthur and Merlin alone. Then, Arthur made Merlin juice all the tomatoes in the castle.  
After that day, Merlin started hating 3 things: skunks, tomatoes, and the word “Bourgeois.”  
‘Tis The End.


	4. Soda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soda is Bad for Your Health.

Merlin was walking across the training field. The nights had the day off from training, so he was the only one there. Suddenly, a cylinder of metal fell from the sky and landed right on one of Merlin’s gigantic ears. He swore cuz man did that freakin cylinder hurt like a dragon slapping you for eating its last bag of marshmallows (WHICH ONLY HAPPENED ONCE). He picked up the object and looked at it. He shook it and was surprised to hear liquid moving around inside of it. Curious, he read the side of the can. It read: Moontain Due. Merlin didn’t understand what the hell that meant, so he continued his investigation of the strange cylinder. When he looked on one of the flat sides, he saw a little tab popping up from it. Hesitantly, he pulled on it, opening the object. Without warning, a geyser of radioactive green liquid shot out of the object. Merlin dropped it in surprise. Not knowing how to stop it, he ran to Gaius, who also had no clue how to fix the problem (if Gaius didn’t know how to stop it, it must be quite the mysterious mystery object indeed). Merlin then tried to use magic, but DUN DUN DUN it didn’t work. Unable to stop the geyser of carbonated beverage, everyone in Camelot drowned. See, soda is bad for your health.   
The End.


	5. Merlin's Fuzzy Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin finds a Fuzzy Friend!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains the death of an animal, though it isn't really graphic.

As Merlin was skippily skipping through the forest, he suddenly heard a growl from beneath a mulberry bush. He stopped.  
“Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese just be a weasel,” Merlin thought. “I sooooo don’t have time for saving Arthur and/or the kingdom and/or Gaius and/or me.”  
A creature then emerged from its green hidy hole.  
“Coolio,” Merlin said when he saw what the creature was.  
Merlin scooped the animal into his arms and continued skippily skipping all the way back to Camelot.  
“Hey, Gaius, look at the little ball of fluffy fluff I found!” Merlin yodeled as he hopped into the physician’s chambers.  
“Merlin, wherever did you get such an adorable floofy fluffy fluff kitty?” Gaius inquired.  
“Forest,” Merlin explained. “Can I keep it? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?”  
“Okey dokey,” Gaius agreed. “But I’m going to have to teach it the ways of the flying eggplants. You’ll never know when we’ll have another bird vs camel fight in here. I don’t want it to get hurt in the crossfire, after all.”  
“Hurray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Merlin yelled.   
Then, Merlin decided to show everybody his new fuzzy friend. Gwen thought it was sooooooooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute, Lancelot tried to give it an apple before remembering that cats don’t eat apples, Gwaine tried to give it ale before remembering that cats don’t drink ale, Percival petted it on the head, Elyan shook its paw, and Morgana tried to kill Merlin to raise the cat as her own. Finally, Merlin decided to introduce it to Arthur.  
“Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Arthur. Hey Arthur. Arthur. Hey Arthur,” Merlin pestered him.  
“Wat,” Arthur asked, annoyed cuz Merlin totally ruined his concentration while he was trying to remember how to spell his name.  
“This is my new friend, Mr. Fluff McFloofy,” Merlin announced as he held up the cat like Simba from Lion King.  
Arthur took one look at the animal before hopping onto his chair, hikin up his skirt, and attempting to shoo the cat away with a broom.  
“Get that dastardly being away from me!” he shrieked.  
“But it’s my kitty,” Merlin said as a little tear fell from one of his eyes and made him look so heartbroken.   
“Nope,” Arthur said as he took out his sword and chopped off the cats head.  
Merlin stared at him in absolute horror and shock. Then, went loco, took over Camelot, executed Arthur, and turned everyone else into cats. And that is how Merlin became the Prince of Cats.  
The End.


	6. Bees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A hunting trip. A Branch. Bees.

As they always are when crap goes down, Merlin and Arthur were hunting in the woods. Suddenly, a branch fell off a tree. Now, this normally wouldn’t be a problem unless Merlin makes the branch fall on your head, but he had nothing to do with Merlin’s secretty battle tactics. This was, for once, just a branch falling cuz branches CAN do that on their own sometimes. Anyway, the branch didn’t hit them, so that wasn’t the crap that went down. The crap that went down was this:  
The branch had a bee hive on it.  
Merlin and Arthur were all like HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLY CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP and tried to gallop away on their horses. Of course, the bees caught up with them. However, the bees didn’t sting them. They surrounded them, and their horses instantly stopped. Then, some of the bees separated and a dude stepped into the little bee dome.  
“EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” the dude yelled.   
At the dude’s command, the bees all started dancing. And hen Merlin and Arthur also started dancing cuz the dude did say everybody.   
Out of nowhere, Gaius poofed there too and did his eyebrow thing.  
“The hell are you doin?” he asked.  
However, no one answered him. They just kept dancing. So, Uther crawled out of Gaius’s beard and did his glare thing because people spontaneously dancing was OBVIOUSLY magic.  
“SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUCEEEEEEEEERRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!,” he yelled.  
He then magically conjured a sword and executed everyone. Even Arthur.  
“You know, you just used sorcery,” Gaius’s ghost said.  
“Yeah, but I the king, soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo,” Uther replied.  
And then he farted out rainbows and flew back to the castle like the hypocrite he is.


	7. Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How does a staring contest turn into a mass shipping party?

Merlin and Arthur were having a staring contest cuz Arthur challenged Merlin and said he couldn’t beat him and stuff so Merlin was like OH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH?  
So yeah, they had been staring at each other all morning.  
Since they had been staring at each other for hours, people eventually started to watch, so there were people staring at people staring at each other.   
All was silent, for hours. No one dared to so much as breathe too loudly lest they miss the first blink.   
Then, a loud cry bellowed out over the crowd.  
“KISS!!!” it screamed.  
Before long, the word turned into a chant, infecting all the peeps that were watching the prince and manservant.  
“KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!”  
Eventually, both of them got sick of the chanting, so Arthur spoke.  
“Can we temporarily pause our duel? He asked Merlin.  
“Okay,” Merlin agreed.  
They both blinked like 83 times.  
Everyone was still chanting.  
So, they were all like FINE and leaned in toward each other and kissed.  
And OF COURSE, Uther poofed next to them as a little floaty ghost thing.  
“ARTHUR, WHAT THE ACTUAL CRAPPY CRAP?!?!?!?!” he yelled. “NOW YOU HAS TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND MARRY HIM!!!”  
“Wat,” Arthur derped.  
So, that very day, they were married.  
As they went on their honeymoon via a giant onion carriage, they didn’t see Uther’s ghost giggling with Gwaine, for they were unaware that the whole thing was orchestrated by them to make their fave ship canon.


	8. Why to Never Trust Arthur EVER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin learns why to never trust Arthur the hard way.

“Merlin! Come here!” King Dollophead, the great clotpole and prat yelled.  
“What?” Merlin replied, somewhat annoyed because Arthur had just interrupted his weekly tea party with Gaius’s leeches.   
“Follow me,” ordered the (HOT- I mean, what) King.  
Merlin reluctantly obeyed, leaving behind Sir Bloodsucker, Lady Slimy, and Lady Squishy. (Lady Squishy seemed particularly sad about their party being cut short.) Merlin followed his (boyfriend) king to the king’s bedroom. Once inside, Arthur quickly locked them inside.  
“What’d you do that for?” the warlock asked, somewhat confused.  
Then, Arthur tackled him. Before Merlin knew it, his clothes had been removed and replaced with new ones. With horror, he realized that Arthur had put the frilliest, pinkest, sparklyest dress Merlin had ever seen on him.  
“WHAT THE-!” Merlin exclaimed.  
“OKAY EVERYONE, COME OUT NOW!!!!” the prat yelled over him.  
Then, Lancelot, Guinevere, Gwaine, Gaius, and Uther hopped out from behind the curtains.  
“Lookin’ good, Merlin!” Gwaine shouted.  
“GODDAMMIT!!!!!!” Merlin yelled.  
That day, Merlin learned an important lesson. Never trust Arthur. EVER.  
THE END


	9. Merlin Iz a Girl?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when a spell goes wrong and Merlin accidentally turns himself into a girl?

“Hay, Gaioos, I’m gonna practice my old man transformation spell cuz like then we can go on old man adventures and stuff,” said Merlin.  
“Okey dokey. Don’t like get caught tho or you’ll totally be executed. Oh noooooooooooooooo,” Gaius answered.  
“Kay,” Merlin tooted.  
And so Merlin went like magic spells and chants and sparkles and stuff whoooooooosh.   
“Cool, I just did teh transformation spell!” Merlin shouted in the most triumphantly triumphant of triumphant shouts.  
However, once he looked in the mirror, he gasped.  
“Oh nooooooooooooooooo, teh spell went wrong, and NOW I’M A GIRL!!!” Merlin shouted again, but this time not so triumphantly.  
He was going to try to fix the spell, but then Arthur burst into the room yellin’ like a dude who just stubbed his toe on a cactus made out of fire ants.  
“Merliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin, where’s my afternoon snack?!?!?!?!?!? You were supposed to bring it to me like two minutes agoooooo,” he screamed all derpily.  
BUT THEN, he saw Merlin and his heart went all dokidokidokdokdokidokidoki. And then his face got really red cuz HOLY CRAP HE WAS IN LOVE WITH THIS RANDOM ‘GIRL’ HE JUST SAW 0.05 SECONDS AGO!!!  
“Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh,” Arthur bruhed. “Girl, yur like sooper hot, so like marry me ans stuff.”  
Merlin stared at him blankly.  
“Wat?” Merlin questioned. “Yeah, um no. You’re a prat and like rude sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.”  
Then, Gaius took out his magic wand and bopped Merlin on the head wit it. Merlin immediately turned into a boy again. Arthur was so shocked that he didn’t even care that he just witnessed the use of saucery. But then he wasn’t shocked anymore.  
“Oh, so it waz u Merlin. Eh, your still hot, so like, still marry me,” Arthur said derpily.  
A red angry veiny thing appeared on Merlin’s head.  
“I JUST SAID NO! Ya see, this is exactly why yur such a prat, you buttmuncher!!!” Merlin yelled.  
And then Merlin ran away crying cuz his boss is a turd.  
De End.


End file.
